21 Weeks and Full of Emotions

I haven’t updated my blog in a LONG time…I’m still learning to do this as best as I can. In January we found out that we’re having another BOY! We are so excited. His name will be Levi Knightlee. It was so fun to watch him at the ultrasound. He is VERY active and is sitting VERY low…which is pretty uncomfortable for me most of the time. The ultrasound tech said that he seemed to enjoy snuggling right up against my cervix…not totally wonderful for me. I have another prenatal appointment on Valentine’s Day, but so far everything looks great. The ultrasound tech and the doctor agreed that he was measuring pretty big and, based on his measurements, our due would be June 9th instead of June 18th. The doctor said he’d take note of that, but we’ll just keep my current due date for now. I’m thinking that his measuring big and sitting low will possibly cause me to go in earlier rather than later…let’s hope so! 🙂 I can’t wait to meet my little man!

I cannot believe we are already halfway to meeting Levi Knightlee face to face. I am remembering what it was like to see Emery for the first time and it was just INCREDIBLE. I could have never prepared myself for the amount of love I felt for him. There was nothing that Emery did to “earn” my love for him, and yet I was willing to lay my life down for him in the very moment that he entered my world. While the pain of labor didn’t fade away (for weeks…and weeks), it seemed like such a small sacrifice in exchange for this most precious gift. The permanent scars I received from bearing him for 9 months seem like beautiful memory marks for me of my most precious son. I remember being so exhausted when he’d wake up in the middle of the night, I would be sore as my body changed due to nursing and just going back to normal, he would cry or scream and interrupt ever other “important” thing going on in my life…and yet I still looked on him with complete love. I remember laughing and saying, “If anyone else was to act like this, I could not live with them…I would not like them. But because it is him, it doesn’t matter.”

God has taught me so much about unconditional love through Emery. There is nothing that he could ever do that would make me love him less. There are times that he frustrates me or makes me sad…but I always love him. I have my moments that I just need to get away…but I still love him and would die for him. I am an imperfect person and love Emery this much. God is perfect. How much more His love must be for us!

Because I am imperfect, I am worried about how my relationship with Emery will be affected by having another baby. As I anticipate my attention being pulled in many directions very soon, I have been intentional about cuddling more with Emery. Instead of putting him down in his crib to nap, I’ve been holding him. He fell asleep in my arms last night on the couch and it was very difficult to bring myself to put him to bed. I just want to soak everything in before June. I am afraid that Emery will feel unloved, unwanted, or just not enough for me. I am so scared about not having enough love to go around…or just simply not being good at distributing it to the 3 men that will be in my life. It’s easier for Josh to understand when my attention is everywhere else…He will feel just as torn apart as I will between the two boys. I will do my best to involve Emery in everything with Levi, but there is only so much that he can do…and only so much that I can do too. Praise God that His strength is made perfect in my weakness…I know that I am weak and imperfect, so I will be forced to rely on Him for my strength.

Another thing Josh and I did in anticipation of Levi’s arrival is take a little mini- “baby-anniversa-moon.” (Babymoon, Honeymoon, Anniversary) We took a weekend cruise to Mexico with Carnival Cruises. It was so refreshing. It was very difficult for us to leave Emery for the weekend…NO CONTACT for 2 full days and 2 half days. We left Friday around noon and returned Monday around noon. We really enjoyed having some time just the two of us. We never were able to celebrate a honeymoon since we got pregnant with Emery right after our wedding. We had gotten married in January and thought we’d take a little trip the following June after I had finished my final semester in college, but before I began student teaching. Well, it didn’t work out that way. We found out that I was pregnant in the middle of March! AH! I wasn’t sure what we were going to do. Josh didn’t have a job yet, I didn’t have good health insurance–none for maternity…I really felt nervous, but knew God would provide. He really came through for us and gave us the gift of an amazing little boy! 🙂 Since then we’ve always had other things come before our own vacations. Any money we may have been able to set aside has been used to visit family instead of going on vacation. It was such a blessing to finally have this little trip together! We were able to reconnect in a way we hadn’t been able to since we had Emery.

We appreciate all prayers as we await Levi’s arrival. He is already a blessing to us and we cannot wait to meet him. We would specifically appreciate prayers for a healthy 2nd half to the pregnancy, a swift and healthy delivery, and for Levi’s health as he enters this world.

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